My riding is typically restricted to day rides to and from my favorite lunch spots and watering holes, but last summer one of my chums talked me into doing a long (400 mile!) day on my Commando. It was a great day with only a few breakdowns, but my backside was seriously chafed halfway into the ride, and I was squirming like the new kid in the Big House for the last 200 miles. I really want to enjoy touring, but it’s no fun burning long miles with my butt on fire. I can’t help thinking that my choice of skivvies can have a major impact on my bum’s comfort over those long days, so I’m asking you: Boxers or briefs?

-Major Monkeybutt

When William Jefferson Clinton was running for president of this sovereign nation, a star-crossed young lady asked him the same question. To my eternal chagrin and the denigration of the American soul, he did NOT answer: None of your *&!#*$# business! But I’m not running for president, so my answer is: Neither. Cotton briefs will absorb and hold perspiration close to your body, encouraging the chafing you describe. In addition, the location of raised seams can cause pressure points (and concentrated chafing). And when hard braking pushes you forward on your seat, the resultant constraint and compaction Down There can tighten your vocal cords irreversibly. Boxers aren’t the solution, however. Those heart-motif drawers your girlfriend gave you on Valentine’s Day may or may not make you look cute to her, in some kind of nauseating Hugh Grant way, but they have no business taking care of your business while motorcycle touring. They wrinkle up, refuse to accept your natural perspiration and again, will provide unpleasant sensations under braking. So what’s the solution? You could Go Commando, which may sound like a clever coincidence when you are aboard your rubber-mounted Norton. But if you don’t see the drawbacks to this strategy, just try riding thus clad and see how it works out in a panic situation. Dr. Dookey recommends bicycle shorts, or some variant on that theme. These are designed for bicyclists (who know a thing or two about monkeybutt) and provide moisture absorption, good support for vital parts, flat seams to prevent pressure points and padding where your person meets the saddle.

-Dr. Dookey