|
|
| Q: |
Doctor Dookey: I read somewhere recently that riding motorcycles is dangerous! Is this true?
-Ramblin' Pete in Georgia |
| |
| A: |
My good Mr. Pete:
Alas, it is true. Riding motorcycles is extremely dangerous. Like the sirens whose singing wooed the Argonaut Butes 1 (who survived the seduction only through the intervention of Aphrodite), riding motorcycles can lead you to cast aside your rightful ennui and surrender to the promise of transcendental bliss. Be warned: Once you have succumbed to the earthly delights readily offered up by your motorcycle, you will want more, more, more. If you have begun riding motorcycles, you may already have a problem. Ask yourself the following questions:
1. Do you lose time from work due to riding?
2. Is riding affecting your reputation?
3. Has your ambition decreased since riding?
4. Do you crave a ride at a definite time of day?
5. Do you want a ride the next morning?
6. Is riding jeopardizing your job or business?
7. Do you ride to escape worries or trouble?
8. Do you ever ride alone?
9. Do you ever ride longer than you intended?
10. Have you ever been hospitalized as a result of riding?
If you answered "yes" to three or more of the above questions, you may have a problem. Chances are, someone's already brought this to your attention. Again and again and again...
Oh, and if you answered "yes" to #10, please ride more carefully. And in any case, please wear a helmet and protective gear. Stay safe...
-Dr. D |
|
 |
| Q: |
Dr Dookey, are there motorcycles in heaven?
-Keith in Crestone |
| |
| A: |
Dear Keith,
Yes, there certainly are motorcycles in heaven. All our dear departed bikes have gone on to a better place. Dr Dookey looks forward to being reunited with his first love, a 1967 Honda S-90, painted white and with a peace sign sticker on the side.
Unfortunately, due to astronomical transportation costs, the price of gasoline in heaven is prohibitive. And since we all know that "you can't take it with you," there's no way to pay for fuel. We must content ourselves with sitting on our heavenly bikes and making motor sounds with our lips.
So, Keith, let Dr Dookey be clear about this: The time to ride and enjoy your motorcycle(s) is now. Enjoy what you have, today. There ARE motorcycles in heaven, but not motorcycling. |
|
|
| Q: |
Dear Dr. Dookey,
I am increasingly worried about a relative of mine. He has no real job, no visible income, and no responsibilities to speak of. Yet, he frivolously wastes time on unimportant stuff like riding motorcycles, going on long vacations, buying additional motorcycles, etc. According to the way we were raised, this should make him miserable. He is not living the life of quiet desperation that we were promised! Instead, he seems happy and healthy. This makes my whole life a pathetic lie. Is he wrong, or am I???
Concerned Katie in Canterbury |
| |
| A: |
Dear Calvinist Katie in Canterbury,
I feel your pain. Your relative suffers from Indolent Do-nothing Goal Absence Syndrome (I Don't Give a Shoot). Guys like this represent the subversive dark underbelly of human nature. You believe that he is not miserable, as he rightly should be. But men with I Don't Give a Shoot generally emit an aura of apathy that masks a gut-wrenching core of insufferable angst. Your relative's preoccupation with buying and riding motorcycles demonstrates a neurotic craving to fill a yawning void caused by his utter and complete lack of the essential trait - i.e., that insatiable yearning for the approval and acceptance of others - that makes us human. How can he be happy and healthy while swimming inexorably against the tide? He must, in fact, be a lonely, miserable wretch. Please be kind to him and indulge his heartbreakingly futile attempts at happiness. You might consider establishing a trust fund that he can access in order to maintain his pathetic habits. This could prevent him from going further astray and might even save his life! You would be a real hero!
Your own life, though probably a pathetic lie, is not a Koyaanisqatsi*; it is a noble legacy and the One True Way. You go, girl. Keep your nose to the grindstone, and defer your own gratification. After all, if there were no cogs, there would be no machine. Now get back to work, please. Your break time is up. And stop using the office computer for personal email.
*Hopi term for "life out of balance." Dr. D |
|
|
| Q: |
Dear Dr Dookey,
My husband has too many motorcycles. When I challenge him about it, he asks about the number of shoes I have, which is 2. (per pair). What does he expect? That the children’s mother drops them off at school barefoot? Does the SUV need tires? Does the Merc need air-con? Does a duck need feet?
He keeps on referring to him “having the right tool”, and I immediately cut the conversation short there, because we have been down that road before and I find it unpleasant… I don’t know who put him up to this idea.
What should I do?
Imelda McT
Columbus |
| |
| A: |
Dear Imelda:
I sympathize with your plight, which is shared by wives of many male motorcyclists. The syndrome you describe is known as motorcycle obsessive-compulsive kinesthetic entropy, rabid Y chromosome (MOCKERY.) Symptoms vary, but usually involve a progressive loss of physical sensitivity to the gratifying aesthetic and mechanical attributes of a particular motorcycle. As a result, the patient gradually loses interest in the motorcycle, develops an ill-defined but unsettling feeling of ennui and loses the ability to concentrate on day-to-day responsibilities. Over time, the ennui progresses to a state of agitation that can be relieved only by acquiring another motorcycle. The rate of this progression is variable, but can accelerate dramatically in the first warm days of springtime. If left untreated, symptoms can present dramatically, with unpredictable results.
There is no known cure for MOCKERY, but the syndrome is not fatal and patients who receive proper treatment can often lead relatively normal lives. Treatment is remarkably simple and effective, and involves surrendering all discretionary household monies (e.g., children's clothing allowances, SUV tire fund) to the patient as well as good-natured, enthusiastic response to his "apparently impulsive" motorcycle purchases. An extra-special demonstration of spousal affection and self-sacrifice often goes a long way to help the patient through this difficult time.
P S - Lose the duck. Feet or no feet, this is a frivolous expense.
-DR D |
|
|
| Q: |
Dr. Dookey:
My wife says I have too many motorcycles. How many is too many?
-Confused in Columbus |
| |
| A: |
Confused-
This is a rhetorical question with no clear resolution. The best way to address a rhetorical question is to respond in kind. Ask her: How many pairs of shoes does she have?
Of course, this kind of tit-for-tat spin can engender acrimony, which is counterproductive. A more sensible approach is to point out that different jobs require different tools. Explain that no one motorcycle does everything the best, so it’s necessary to have a tool (motorcycle) for different jobs (types of riding). A carpenter doesn’t have but one saw, nor should a rider be restricted to owning one bike.
Actually, it’s a safety issue. Yeah, that’s it. A Safety Issue. If you were to scrimp on the number of tools, you’d likely find yourself in an unsafe, compromised situation trying to adapt the wrong tool for a given job. You could get hurt!
-Dr D |
|
|
